Exhausted

I can't believe it's only Wednesday! I put in 11 hours at work yesterday and 10 today and I am absolutely beat! I can't wait for Saturday to get here so I can sleep in a little....

Yesterday was particularly rough for me as I affirmed that I can no longer eat avocados :( wahhhh I had a little 2 oz 100 calorie lack of guacamole from Wholly Guacamole and was in agony with stomach pain and heartburn within a half an hour. 

I have been thinking about my last post a bit and what I could do to later become a stay-at-home mom and also earn so income on the side. I really like to write and have dabbled in online publishing since I was in middle school; I also really enjoy reviewing products like the ones I get from my Influenster VoxBox. The problem is that so many people also like these things. How do I stand out in a world of stay-at-home mommy-bloggers?  Hmmm...

In the meantime I should probably focus on being healthier. I fully admit this week is very tough and it is highly unlikely I will remain under 200... Especially with the husbands siblings coming to stay with us on Friday. That and my ridiculously long hours this week makes me feel so frustrated that I just don't want to workout....

I'm an engineering contractor which means that I get paid by the hour-- and don't get holidays off. I really like where I'm working though, so I'm hoping to get hired on full-time. The pay is really good, but I'd much rather be able to take time off and catch my breath.

That is all that I have time for right now, but stick around and I'll post more soon.

XOXO - Superwoman 

Raw

It's hard. I don't know what to say. Sometimes I feel like this would be easier if I were just keeping a diary. Instead it's going to be wrong, ugly, honest. I forget sometimes that this really is a diary; no one else really reads this.  Why can't I be honest with myself? 

No real friends down here besides my husband, new house, new job, no family close by. This is hard.

So guess what? This is where I can talk about the things I'm afraid to admit out loud, things that I would tell my girlfriends...if they were here.

I focus so much on what's wrong instead of what's right. I've built this mentality up and have no reason why. 

I desperately want to be a mother. I have been for many months. It's been hard to say out loud though; with no girls to talk to. I have tried denying it to myself to no avail. I know we're not ready yet, but that doesn't stop my heart from wanting it. 

I know that there is still a long time until I will get such an honor. With that in mind, I am trying to better myself to be a better mother when it comes. I want to walk closer with The Lord, showing my children that a relationship with the Savior is something to want, and something worth working for. I want to be healthy when we get pregnant. I am very overweight (and miserable I might add) and cannot bear to think of being like this with a child on the way. I want to be financially stable so that we might be able to afford to have one of us stay home.

Regardless, I still want to be a mother. Those feelings were even made stronger when I was able to hold our dear friends newborn baby. Her mothers strength amazed me, and I silently scolded myself for not being strong enough, not being prepared enough.

I want those girlfriends I can have coffee with and just say "I really want to be a mother" or "I am really struggling with being healthy." But for now, I am on my own. Bringing these things up to my husband only makes him feel even more pressured so I must keep them to myself.

Life is hard. It's rough. It's raw. But it's also an amazing gift. One that I hope to enjoy with each passing day.