Raw

It's hard. I don't know what to say. Sometimes I feel like this would be easier if I were just keeping a diary. Instead it's going to be wrong, ugly, honest. I forget sometimes that this really is a diary; no one else really reads this.  Why can't I be honest with myself? 

No real friends down here besides my husband, new house, new job, no family close by. This is hard.

So guess what? This is where I can talk about the things I'm afraid to admit out loud, things that I would tell my girlfriends...if they were here.

I focus so much on what's wrong instead of what's right. I've built this mentality up and have no reason why. 

I desperately want to be a mother. I have been for many months. It's been hard to say out loud though; with no girls to talk to. I have tried denying it to myself to no avail. I know we're not ready yet, but that doesn't stop my heart from wanting it. 

I know that there is still a long time until I will get such an honor. With that in mind, I am trying to better myself to be a better mother when it comes. I want to walk closer with The Lord, showing my children that a relationship with the Savior is something to want, and something worth working for. I want to be healthy when we get pregnant. I am very overweight (and miserable I might add) and cannot bear to think of being like this with a child on the way. I want to be financially stable so that we might be able to afford to have one of us stay home.

Regardless, I still want to be a mother. Those feelings were even made stronger when I was able to hold our dear friends newborn baby. Her mothers strength amazed me, and I silently scolded myself for not being strong enough, not being prepared enough.

I want those girlfriends I can have coffee with and just say "I really want to be a mother" or "I am really struggling with being healthy." But for now, I am on my own. Bringing these things up to my husband only makes him feel even more pressured so I must keep them to myself.

Life is hard. It's rough. It's raw. But it's also an amazing gift. One that I hope to enjoy with each passing day.