Back on the Horse

I hope everyone out there in Blog land had a wonderful Easter. Mine was filled with lots of traveling, time with family and friends, and lots of not-tracked food.

Yes that's right; I didn't track anything this weekend. You know what? No guilt here. I worked my butt off for a month, was very conscientious about what and how much I ate. I knew that when this weekend was over I would jump right back on the horse. It was nice to eat food and not worry about how many points I had left. I even enjoyed my favorite Chinese food with my family.

Now, it's time to get to business. Now it's time to put one foot in front of the other. Figuratively, and literally. That's right friends: I am working my way back into running.

I will be running in the Fort 3 Fitness this year. My aspiration? To run the half again. I want to do this. I need to do this. But I'm scared. Scared to fail. Scared to find out I still can't run. Scared to learn that it's going to be hard, that more than a few times I will want to give up and just not do this. I can't accept that though.

I need to do this for so many reasons. I need to find myself again. I can't help but think about the past and how good I felt always running. I was in college, and I worked 3 jobs, but I had time still to do it. I wasn't fast, and I will never be fast, but I was free. Free from the troubles of the day, free from worry of failure, free of what-ifs. I had this great life and things seemed so perfect. Looking back now, the only thing I wish I had back then was my husband. I knew who he was, but we didn't hang out and we certainly weren't friends. In fact, I was crushing on another guy. A guy who was a complete and total waste of time. When it came down to it, I wasn't even worth being friends with. Now when I see him I realize that God was really looking out for me. I have a wonderful husband that I take for granted. I have a life to live and a life to love, but I'm not making the most of it.

I need to lose weight. I want to be a mom soo stinking bad. I know that it's not time yet, and I struggle with being okay with that. I am not ready to be a mom. I want to be healthy and fit and teach my children that living a healthy lifestyle is a good thing. I want to inspire my husband to be active. I want to feel the enjoyment of feeling the wind in my face as I quietly tick off another mile.

So why does all my motivation go out the window when I get home after work? It's frustrating and I don't get it. I just want to want to run and be healthy. I don't want to be so self-conscious of others around me. I don't want to care about the comments I get when running. I just want to run.